Its strange to write about this.
It feels impossible to put in words,
as it is so subtle
that one is not sure if it is true,
or one just imagines everything.
Since some days after intense questioning something shifted.
Before there was the awareness
of not being a person,
but somehow it still felt localized.
( Like the felt sense of a formless something
floating in spacious awareness.)
This 'new' thing is just Nothing at all,
so if i am not kept busy, or going on into habits,
i just stare into space.
Sitting in front of a plate of food,
hardly knowing what to do with it,
like everything stops.
Nothing makes sense, it is dream like.
Looking at something and it feels you fall into it.
Dissolving into what is.
It is a disorienting
and makes one a bit dizzy at times.
Yesterday morning on waking up
going for a walk.
Discovering that the felt sense of the body had disappeared.
The way the body was perceived before in the way
the muscles were holding the posture was gone.
No felt difference with the surroundings.
Also the vitality has changed.
A walk would be with some sense of purpose and
going somewhere, some energy with which to do this.
Now walking goes slower with no purpose.
Everything slowed down.
And at times presence stops everything.
But then also life just goes on,
picks up the person and moves it
around in a reasonable fashion.
And when i am with people,
normal responding is going on.
At times the mind comes in and
chatters and jabbers away about it all.
Trying in vain to make sense of it.
And of course in the end
Nothing happens anyway ;-).